Homeschooling Without Killing Your Children (or Yourself)

WARNING: In this post, I intend to make broad generalizations that may or may not be backed by scientific research. Quotes will be neither properly researched nor attributed.

Actionable techniques will be highlighted in blue.

But Before We Begin…

“Assuming Makes an ASS out of U and ME“
– My Mom

There are a few assumptions you should be aware of while reading this post:

This post assumes your are harboring your terrorist progeny at home. If you have the money and access to hire a teacher privately and put your kid in a “pod”, well good for you. But I don’t and this is my internet blog.
This post assumes that you allow your kids to use technology. Sorry to all of our Amish blog readers, anyone who got freaked out by Superintelligence¹, survivors of the Butlerian Jihad and people living in the woods.
This post assumes that you are not a professional teacher. All of the “evidence” is purely anecdotal based on my experiences with a 4 year old boy and 7 year old girl. Take what you like and discard the rest. Truly, I will not be offended.

Now buckle up!

Flashback!!!

September 2020. It’s the first day of second grade for my daughter. She logs onto her computer from my home office. I am praying with every fiber of my body that remote schooling goes better than it did in the spring.

My prayers go unanswered. The kids are online for 6 grueling hours of Google Classroom navigation. Teachers are constantly asking students to mute their microphones. Multiple dogs are barking in the background. Parents are coming in and out of frame. It’s a mess.

My daughter is a lethal combination of bored, frustrated and tired. So is my neglected 4 year old son. I scan the room slowly and realize…my home office has turned into my own personal hell.²

I walk out of the room and declare to my wife, “That’s it, we’re homeschooling the kids!” She tells me to calm down and reminds me that I have a habit of overreacting at times. We agree to finish out the week before making a decision.

Friday rolls around and I stick to my guns. We pull our daughter out of school entirely. If the kids are going to be home all day, I won’t be beholden to anyone else’s schedule. My aforementioned son is in preschool, so we don’t even bother to factor him into the equation.

Now comes the big question…who will be the kid’s teacher? The odds were stacked against me for a variety of reasons:

My wife is a dentist and leaves the house to work. [My job is a bit more nebulous.]
I coach youth sports. My wife decides this makes me more qualified to teach the children. [It doesn’t.]
She also says that I am more patient than her. [I’m not.]

So I bit the bullet and homeschooled my kids for the last six months. It hasn’t been perfect, but we’ve managed to survive. Here are some of the tactics that got me through…

First Things First

Like my boy Brad Pitt says:

The first rule of homeschooling is don’t do homeschooling. The second rule of homeschooling is don’t do homeschooling.
-Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Harking back to biblical times, the first commandment of parenting has always been “Thou Shalt not Homeschool Your Children. Ever. Under any circumstances.” Parents who purposely choose to homeschool their children are obviously insane people and should be locked away for their own safety.

But if you absolutely MUST homeschool your children due to a GLOBAL PANDEMIC, you may as well make the most of it. In fact, you may even be able to convince yourself that it’s worth all of the time, effort, pain and disappointment.

Easier said than done? Absolutely. But remember this…your kid probably has a good 80+ years left on this earth. He or she will benefit from a strong academic foundation. If you pull this off, they may not even hate you when they grow up. Here is how I fool myself into believing that it’s been worth it:

Calculating the Return on Investment (ROI) of Homeschooling

Average Life Span = 78 years
Let’s round up to 85 given the current trajectory of technology and medicine. So the kids will probably live for another 80 years or so. That leaves 80 years of future ROI for every good minute I spend teaching my kids. Looks promising.

Chance That They Appreciate What I am Doing = 25%
Kids generally lean towards “ungrateful” as a default state of being. It is impossible for them to understand the massive inconvenience they have placed on me in the context of my career and, more importantly, my mental health. I can only hope that they have kids of their own one day that put them through similar emotional turbulence.

Odds That They Put Me in a Home Anyway = 63.6%
I intend to remind the kids of my sacrifice every day for the rest of their lives. While they are sure to hate me as teenagers, my hope is that their guilt will grow as they mature and slowly turn them back to my side. Sadly, hope is not a plan. The odds that they resent me far outweigh the chance that they truly appreciate the year I became a second grade teacher.

So there you have it! ROI for the kids is nearly limitless! For me…not so much. But parenting is all about sacrifice, right? Right???

Now that we’ve calculated the value of homeschooling, let’s begin by setting the bar low for ourselves. Remember, all kids are dumb. You are just trying to make them a tiny bit less dumb.

So how much are kids really learning at school? And how much personal attention are they getting? Some back of the napkin math:

There are probably 20 kids in your kid’s class and only one teacher.³
There are 6 hours in a school day.
At least one hour per day is not actual instruction.⁴
So we have 5 hours (300 minutes) of instruction spread across 20 children.

If my public school education from the great state of New Jersey serves me, that leaves 15 minutes of personalized instruction for each kid.⁵ Plan accordingly.

2-3 hours of dedicated instruction should be more than enough.

Check Your Ego at the Door

You see, the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do what we gotta do, to survive…
-Tupac

I know there is a little bit of ego in this for all of us. We want our kids to be successful. So no matter how hard we try to avoid it, we view their ability to answer questions in a workbook as a reflection of our parenting.

Take my 4 year old son as an example. One minute, he is Good Will Hunting adding and subtracting 3-digit numbers like a preschool version of a Beautiful Mind. Fast forward to the afternoon and he’s telling me he can’t recognize the letter “N” after we went over it for TEN STRAIGHT $&@#* MINUTES! ⁶

Before you know it, I’m sobbing profusely while my wife is holding me repeating, “It’s not your fault! It’s not your fault!”

The lesson here…no matter how hard you try to teach your kids, they will betray you. To remind yourself of this truth:

Set a Daily Mantra Using the Reminders App on Your iPhone Each morning, I am pinged with an inspirational message before I start “teaching” to help me keep a level head. Here are some examples:

Monday: A great week starts today!
Tuesday: Give out 5 compliments for every criticism.
Wednesday: You control the weather. Make school great!
Thursday: Be patient, they just don’t know things yet.
Friday: Don’t worry, they’ll probably just review all of this next year anyway.

Still yelling at your kids all day?

Make a calendar and give yourself a gold star for every day you don’t scream at them.

I’m serious. What is measured improves. I use a Google spreadsheet with a checkbox and conditional formatting that turns green (good day) and red (bad day) because I am crazy.

Think I’m kidding? I wish I was…

Set a Schedule

Kids love routine and they crave rules. As such, it is imperative that you set a routine. Every day doesn’t need to be the same, but I would recommend that you devise a weekly schedule so everyone involved knows the expectations.

Lock in the “non-negotiable” items first. We will define non-negotiable items as areas where the lack of a solid foundation could actually screw your kid up. For my second grade student, we have decided that includes the following: Reading, Writing, Math. Everything else is gravy.⁷

Once you lock in your schedule, it’s important to stick to it.

Set a Timer for Each Activity
I recommend setting a timer for 5 minutes less than the scheduled block. That way, you have a little time to finish things up if necessary. I have found that a 30 minute block with a 25 minute timer works well.

There will be days where you accomplish way less than you thought you would in the allotted time. That’s ok. Some days, your kid won’t “have it.” Just move on. No need for a 65 minute math marathon. You’ll both just end up burned out and pissed off.

Don’t Drive Distracted

I, like many others, wasn’t planning on homeschooling my kids. Unsurprisingly, things started out poorly. My sanity was at risk. So I decided to make one decision that completely changed the trajectory of our year. I focus solely on the kids from 9:00am to 11:30am. No email. No phone calls. No work. No excuses.⁸

To remind yourself:

Turn Your Phone on Greyscale During School Hours
For me, that means 9:00-11:30am. That way, when you pick up your phone, you see an ugly grey screen reminding you to focus on something that actually matters (aka – your kids). You can set a shortcut on your phone to make it easy.

Remember, you are the one driving the metaphorical school bus. You can either make it a good experience by being present with your kids or you can mess around on your phone/work/etc and crash it straight into a sewage ditch. Your call.

Find a Recess Buddy

Your kid needs time outside. More importantly, you need time with your kid outside.

Find a friend, neighbor or rando down the street and lock in some old school “recess” time for your kid.

As a rule, your recess buddy should hold similar views on COVID. If you want to space your kids 600 meters apart wearing masks with plastic bags tied over their heads, go for it. Conversely, if you think this whole thing is a hoax and want to put your maskless kids in an indoor dining scenario where they can lick COVID off each other’s tongues, enjoy. The important part is that you find someone with a similar mindset so things don’t get weird and nobody gets their feelings hurt.

Now that you found your recess buddy,

Lock the kids outdoors.

Seriously. Do not let them spend another minute inside. Afraid they might wander off? Get a leash. One that you can hook on the clothesline! They can run back and forth and there’s plenty of room for them to dig and play. I’m sure they’ll really blossom.

Oh, it’s winter you say? The kids will be cold? Let me drop some science on you: Hypothermia builds character. Look it up. And like those annoying “outdoor only” schools looooove to remind you, “There is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing choices.”

Bottom line, kids need to be outside. In 20 years when we find out that iPads provide Bill Gates a backdoor into your neural cortex, you’ll be happy you gave your kid a fighting chance.

Incidental Choice (Your Secret Weapon)

“A Tradition Unlike Any Other“
– Misogynist Golfers

The time honored tradition of tricking your children into doing what you want them to do has become even more important in these dark times. But if your kids are anything like my kids, they will be unhappy with whatever decision you make. This is when you apply your secret weapon:

Incidental Choice
The process of allowing a person to choose something related to the task at hand. After choosing, the person will “Buy In” to the task with more positive results.

And here is the best part…the choice doesn’t even have to be a big one or even relevant at all! Here are some examples along with my comments:

Do you want to complete Math Assignment “A” or Math Assignment “B” first?
[Sucker! We were going to do both anyway!!!]
Do you want to start with writing or reading today?
[See above.]
Do you want to use a pen or a pencil for this math assignment?
[What? A pen you say? I admire your confidence!]

Getting bogged down mid-lesson? Try the Principle of Scarcity! If you set a timer for each subject like I recommended above, you can stress your kid out by yelling, “You only have ten minutes left! Do as much as you can!”

Build Better Behavior

You get what you tolerate.
– Me⁹

Remember when you asked your parents “Why?” and they would just say “Because I said so!” Or when you ask a co-worker “Why?” and they say “That’s they way we’ve always done it!”

These are very unsatisfying answers. Your child thinks so too. I suggest you take a moment to contemplate “why” the things you are doing are actually important. And if you can’t, then maybe you shouldn’t be doing them at all…

Find the “Why” to help motivate your kids
Students who have a fundamental understanding of “why” things are important show higher levels of motivation when completing a task.

One helpful technique is to begin each task with a hypothetical situation or a case study. For example, you can show the importance of addition and subtraction by running a pretend store.

Here are a few examples I’ve used when my kids are lacking motivation:

MATH
My daughter is obsessed with money. I have no idea why and it’s probably not healthy. Did I mention she is also a hoarder? She squirrels away her birthday money in a little Hello Kitty purse. So we try to tie math back to her money and hoarding tendencies:

– “How will you count all of your prodigious wealth if you don’t know math?”

or…

– “How will you know how many old newspapers you’ve shoved into your closet and refuse to throw out if you don’t know math?”

READING
Reading is easy and shouldn’t require much effort. Just find out what they like and keep feeding the beast. Want to read 400 books on dinosaurs? Cool. Have a little girl who is super into princess books? Yuck, but whatever. Find some badass princess books and let ‘er rip.

– How can you find out more about Spinosaurus ¹⁰ if you can’t read, genius?

WRITING
Admittedly, writing can be a total grind with kids. You will quickly learn that the English language makes no sense and there are two exceptions for every rule. It will be frustrating for everyone involved.¹¹

– You need to be able to write so you can craft the essays we pray will be good enough to get you into community college after all of this homeschooling!

CODING
We’ve been letting our kids do some coding apps on the iPad. One of them, Grasshopper by Google, actually teaches you how to code. The other, Kodable, is basically a video game as far as I’m concerned. You can guess which one my daughter likes better. So I have to convince her to spend some time with Grasshopper each week.

Recently, we’ve moved over to Apple’s Swift Playgrounds. That one seems to interest the kids and they are certainly learning…HOWEVER, it requires a lot of supervision if your kids are young.

– You’ll need coding so you can communicate with the robots after AI becomes sentient and takes over planet earth!¹²

CURSIVE WRITING
Ok, this is a tough one. Apparently, Montessori teaches cursive so I thought it would be a good idea to force it on my children. To be clear, my kids do not care about learning cursive AT ALL. This is the best I can come up with…

– Don’t you want to sign things like mortgage paperwork when you get older or have a pen pal or write poetry?

Yeah, cursive sucks. Sorry Montessori. [Throws cursive writing book in the trash].

Problem solved. More time for coding!

Of course, if they don’t take the carrot, follow with the stick:

Clearly tie behavior to rewards.

For us, that means video games or TV shows. Each kid gets to choose 30 minutes of shows or video games before dinner if they have a positive attitude during the school day. If things start slipping during school, I remind them about the consequences. Everybody knows the stakes.

Enrichment & Extracurriculars

I’ll keep this short. Enrichment can be thrown out the window if your kids are young enough. Just involve your children in your every day chores and activities. I like to give them titles so they have some ownership.

Have a garden? Your kid just became an “Assistant Gardener in Training.” Need to fix something around the house? “Junior Project Manager.” Now, all you need to do is talk loudly about what you are doing and make them fetch you beers occasionally.

“Read Around” a Variety of Topics in Place of Enrichment
Every few weeks, designate a science week and read a few books about science or nature. This works for history, civics, science and whatever other subjects you deem relevant.¹³

For young kids, there is a great series from Brad Meltzer called “Ordinary People Change the World.” Your kids can learn about amazing people like Albert Einstein, Rosa Parks and Walt Disney in these short illustrated books.

Looking for something with an anti-government, libertarian tilt? You can check out the “Tuttle Twins” by Connor Boyack. I ran across this series in a random Robb Wolf podcast that my friend sent me when he found out I was homeschooling my kids. The books will certainly stimulate some conversation. Plus, they come with amazing blurbs like this one (emphasis mine):

Children are often taught that government protects our life, liberty, and property, but could it be true that some laws actually allow people to hurt us and take our things?
The Tuttle Twins Learn About the Law

Good stuff. As for extracurriculars:

Find High School Students to Teach Your Kids
High school students are bored and, more importantly, cheap. Some of them may even need National Honor Society credits or service work to graduate, so they will work for free. This is a huge win.

We found a high school student who is fluent in Mandarin. She comes over twice a week for 45 minutes and teaches our kids Chinese. Dope. Another one teaches our kids art. Perfect.

This works for sports too. Does the captain of the high school basketball team want to make a few bucks? Have her come over and shoot hoops with your daughter. Is your son a wide receiver? Maybe the QB is willing to throw balls at him for 15 minutes in the back yard.

Limit Screen Time

I am a cybernetic organism: living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.
– The Terminator

Speaking of iPads, my kids are probably getting about 2-3 hours of screen time a day. I say 2-3 hours because, frankly, I’m not measuring it very well and it varies based on the day and whether or not they go to their grandparents’ house. That includes iPads, TV and video game time.

I’m sure half of you just recoiled in horror, “2-3 hours, that’s criminal! Clearly your children will develop a plethora of social dysfunctions. How could you do that to them?!?!?

The other half are saying, “Only 2-3 hours?!?! How are you doing it? You are a god among men!”

Look, we are all cyborgs already.¹⁴ All but the strongest of us have surrendered to a reluctant symbiosis with powerful machine interfaces like “iPhones,” the “internet” and the dreaded “social media.”

A massive amount of screen time probably isn’t the best for kids, but you know what they say: desperate times, desperate measures and whatnot. Figure out what works for your family and then:

Use the Screen Time function on your iPad. Password protected.

We set our Screen Time for 90 minutes/day and lock it down with a password. The kids rarely get to 90 minutes on the iPad, but if they do, it’s a hard stop. I’ve also found that it helps to designate specific hours for TV usage. That way, you aren’t constantly bombarded with children begging to watch a show.

No matter how much screen time you choose, you can definitely improve the quality of your child’s interactions with technology based on the apps and shows you choose for them. In a future post, I’ll be compiling a list that worked well for my kids.¹⁵

Wrapping Up…

You’re strong, you survive. You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you.
– James Fenimore Cooper

Look, life tossed us all a few lemons this year. May as well do the best we can to make lemonade. And if it turns out more like a master cleanse cocktail? At least, nobody can say you didn’t try.

Stay alive, people.